I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
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Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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