Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
