At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
