I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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