ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
