I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
