i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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