I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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