420 ftw
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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