Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
