Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
