someone threw a dead crab at me
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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