Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
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Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
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Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.