Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit