judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
