You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
