Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
