Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
