someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
