the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i think i just lost a toe
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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