Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
