is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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