My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
