census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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