Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
