Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
