I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
