Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
