They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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