ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
