I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
