the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
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I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
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Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"