i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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