Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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