That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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