I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
