She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
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You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
23 Ex Fraternity Brothers & Sorority Sisters Confess Their Most Insane Stories
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni