I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
