someone threw a dead crab at me
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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