hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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