Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I stole a fireplace last night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
