Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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