Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
