saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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