Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
