I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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