I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
