I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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