You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
