smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
