you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
