considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
