Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
