so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
