I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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