just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
