I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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