Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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