Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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